A Glimpse of our Journey

How do you know if it's simply the child's personality or an actual disorder? Is it just "the way she is" or is there more to her behavior? Is it autism that is causing all the anxiety issues? Or is it anxiety that looks like autism? Does a label really matter?

Morgan started out as a normal, healthy baby. Except that she wasn't snugly like I remembered her sister being. If I rubbed her back she would sit perfectly still and quiet. She always felt somewhat stiff when I tried to cuddle her.

At 3 months she started getting ear infections and at 11 months had to have tubes in her ears. She was very quiet but started "talking" more after the tubes. That made sense to me.

I worked full time but would visit Morgan at daycare on my lunch break to feed her. She was about 7 months old when I noticed she would only let certain people know when she was hungry. Sometimes, I would pick her up at 5:30pm and she hadn't eaten anything since I nursed her at noon because her regular caregiver had left early. She would be starving but would only cry when she saw me. They didn't even notice she hadn't eaten.

We talked to a speech therapist when Morgan was almost 2 years old because she was not talking. I decided to quit my job to stay home with her. It seemed that she needed more one on one attention than she was getting at daycare. (She was happy to play quietly by herself.) After a few weeks at home her language did improve.

At age 3, however, I decided to do a formal speech evaluation which showed her language skills were typical of an 18 month old. Hummm... We started speech therapy and even felt she was ready for kindergarten at age 5. Our insurance decided she was done with speech but she had made so much progress I thought we could handle it.

She did well in kindergarten with her standardized test scores in the above average and average range. She made some friends and loved to play with the neighbor kids. She did not like to be separated from me at church, however. Primary was always a struggle. She would only go to her class if her teacher was there. (Her teacher was gone a lot.) I got tired of the screaming fits and just started taking her to class with me.

First grade was hard. She cried every day, except for maybe 2. She required some extra help but her scores were still in the average range. She made a new friend but would play alone if her friend wasn't at school. She had a more regular Primary teacher which made church more enjoyable for us all.

We moved before 2nd grade which meant leaving her friends and a having VERY short summer break. The change was challenging but she did better than I expected. Her teacher was sweet, soft spoken, and very positive. Morgan did well but required lots of extra help. Her tests scores were low in the average range. It could be related to changing school districts so we didn't think too much about it.

In 3rd grade she continued to require extra help. We talked to her teacher about repeating 3rd grade and were advised not to. We worked all summer to keep up on some of the things that she continued to struggle with like telling time, reading a calendar, writing and spelling. Her scores were on the bottom line of what is average but she was hanging in there.

It was this summer that I began to realize how much her anxiety was consuming her. We made a list together of the things that scared her and I was amazed by the length and the things on that list. I understand being afraid of bad guys and even bees. Some items though, were a little strange. Like moths.

Everything related to school causes her anxiety. She has a huge fear of failing or doing something wrong. She is extremely afraid of being in trouble. She is also afraid of being made fun of.

She cried for a full week before school started because she was so scared of 4th grade. We worked through some issues and talked about things she can do when she is scared. We even went and visited the school a 2nd time. I thought she was doing better.

Two weeks into the school year, we were spending hours doing homework every night and she was begging me every morning to stay home. As we worked through her homework together she would cry and say, "I just don't get it!" Something had to change. What could I do to help her? How could I speak up and be her advocate? Her teachers keep assuring me that she'll get it and eventually catch up. Why does it seem the opposite is happening?

... to be continued...